Easing the Pain
by The New New Doctor
Summary: Logan has had enough. Now he's thinking about ending it all. Can Kendall stop him before it's too late? KOGAN


**Here's my first angsty Kogan one-shot. Tell me what you think! Special thanks to Manny101. He is awesome. Check out his stories too!**

**I do not own BTR. I do not own the members either.

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Logan Mitchell sighed. He was tired. Tired of it all. Hollywood brought him a lot of drama and a lot of attention. Logan wasn't one for attention. Whenever someone pointed him out, Logan's gaze always pulled down away from any eye contact. He hated the spotlight. _Hated _it. He felt that whenever everyone's eyes were on him, they were studying him. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. All of this attention the band was receiving was getting to him. And more recently, there was that drama with James and Camille. Nothing was ever simple, not in Hollywood anyway.

Logan finally came to the conclusion he was depressed, or close to it. He had been depressed only once before, but he had been able to talk things out. Now those feelings were returning. But, normally being a withdrawn person, he'd been able to bottle up and hide these feelings from everyone else. He had thrown himself into the band's work, trying to escape the depression. But the more he became involved with the band, the more the paparazzi were out to get him. It was a vicious and ruthless cycle, and now it was finally catching up to him. He wished he were back at home. He used to be able to talk to his mom and dad. Now they were all the way in Minnesota. And who else was there to talk to?

Logan used to be able to talk to his band mates and friends. They were his best friends. But Carlos was clueless to the feelings Logan was having. Logan knew he wouldn't understand. And things between James and the brunette had been strained after the incident with Camille. Katie and Ms. Knight were not ones Logan felt he could open up to. As for Camille, Logan remembered being hurt after breaking up with her and subsequently kissing her. Kendall had to wrestle the automatic clippers away from him so he didn't fulfill his promise to shave himself bald. _Kendall_. . . even thinking that name gave Logan pain.

Kendall and he used to be the closest of friends. There was something about them that clicked immediately. It was only later that Logan realized his feelings for his best friend surpassed that of a mere best friend. He was in love with his best friend. _Kendall_ . . . It was poison in his mouth for Kendall did not feel anything for him. Even if Logan didn't feel the need to confess to the blond every time he saw him, Logan didn't think he could talk to Kendall either. Kendall was always with _her._ Jo Taylor. She was a sweet young woman from North Carolina. But after she came, Logan felt he lost his best friend. And being torn away from his secret love was almost too much to bear. Now, when he was with Camille, he loved her. But once they broke up, Logan realized his true feelings for Kendall. And he hardly had time to talk with his crush. This was the worst part of the depression - the fact that Kendall would never return his love.

"Hey, Logie." The subject of his thoughts walked into the room. Logan thought he was alone. Everyone else was gone from the apartment, but not Kendall. Normally Logan would have blushed at the nickname. He only did so when it emitted from Kendall's lips. But not now. Now Logan was hurting too badly for it to take any affect.

"Hi Kendall." Logan's voice was low, and dull. Kendall noticed his friend's odd behavior.

"Logan?" Kendall now sat on the opposite end of Logan on the couch. Logan's brown eyes rose to see Kendall. He wanted to scoot closer and feel Kendall embrace him. Then he would be shielded from all of this attention. It would just be him and Kendall alone. . . yet together. But Kendall was with Jo, and nothing would change that fact - or the fact that Kendall was straight. Logan's eyes met Kendall's. Logan saw the worry and confusion in Kendall. But Logan knew it was only friendly concern. Logan also noted that Kendall had been on his way out before noticing him.

"Where are you off to?" Logan asked, ignoring the unspoken question of concern in Kendall's eyes. Kendall seemed to lose his concentration for a second.

"I . . . um. . . I'm going to go see Jo. I have some things to tell her." Logan's eyes hardened at that statement.

"I see. Well tell me how it goes." Logan turned and laid down on the couch, his legs pulled up to his chest.

"Logan, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong Kendall."

"Stop lying to me." Kendall was always insistent. He knew something was wrong. He just needed to find out what. But Logan was more stubborn than that.

"I said nothing is wrong Kendall! Can't you just leave and go be with Jo?" Logan's voice was harsher than he intended, but some of the emotion that had built up had spouted from his body into that statement. He looked up at Kendall. Kendall had an indescribable look on his face. It looked like he was deep in thought. But Logan could tell the blond was hurt too. But he was only trying to help. Logan sighed. "Kendall. . ."

"You're right," Kendall said, suddenly cutting off his sentence. "You look like you are thinking about things. I'll leave you to that." With that, Kendall turned and walked to the door. He took one worried look back, and then left the apartment. Logan knew that he had hurt the blond. That was odd in itself. Kendall usually let things slide off of him. But one angry comment from Logan drove him away. It was odd.

_ But it's consistent. h_e thought. _I've driven everyone else off. I am the common denominator. I am the factor driving everyone away. And why not? I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to be in Big Time Rush. I wanted to become a doctor I only came here because of Kendall. . ._ Kendall. Kendall had refused to leave without his friends. Kendall had begged, nearly on hand and knee for Logan to go. And his parents agreed. If Kendall hadn't begged so hard, Logan would now be in safe solitude in Minnesota, where no press or fans or drama could reach him. But he came to be with Kendall. _And look how that turned out. Kendall got himself a girlfriend. And all I have is a broken heart._ Or was it broken? Logan didn't know. He felt an overwhelming sadness and gloom and despair. And realizing this fact sent Logan into panic. It waslike falling. At first you feel lightweight, but then you realize you are about to hit the ground, and you panic.

Suddenly the torrent of emotions began to show itself. Logan began to tear up. Two tears streamed down his face. Just two. But it was enough. Logan couldn't take all of this anymore. He stood, and walked over into his and Kendall's room. He walked over to his desk. Hands shaking, he opened the bottom drawer. He pulled out a box-cutter. He had heard about "cutting" back in Minnesota. It was a way to relieve tension. Logan would never abuse substances such as drugs or alcohol. But he could cut. He carried the blade over to the bathroom. On the way there, he passed Kendall's bed. Even without him there, Logan could smell Kendall's scent emanating from the bed. Logan bent down and breathed it in, taking in the scent of his secret love. Then he went into the bathroom. Logan avoided looking at the mirror. He did not want to see his own face now. He didn't want it to haunt him.

Logan collapsed onto the bathroom floor. More tears streamed down his cheek. Rational thought was gone. All that remained, no. . . all that _mattered_ was relieving this tension building inside him. He grasped the blade, his hand shaking. Then Logan looked at it. His other hand went up to his neck. He felt along his jugular vein. All it would take was one slash, and he would die. He wanted to be a doctor, after all. He would know all the vital spots of a human. Logan shook his head. He wasn't suicidal. He may be depressed, but he couldn't kill himself. That was selfish. His parents at least cared. He couldn't let them down like that.

Logan brought the blade to his wrist. If he cut, it would release the aforementioned tension that had been mounting. It would be quick, and help him tremendously. But there was a difference in saying, and doing. He felt the cold unfeeling edge of the bade on his skin. He then willed his hand to move. It didn't. He tried with all his might to do so, but his hand didn't move.

Finally he gave up and threw the blade. It hit the wall and clattered into the floor. Logan couldn't do it. He just couldn't. He knew deep down that it was wrong to do. But he felt so hopeless. Everything was building inside him. He hadn't vented and it built up inside him. Now it was to the breaking point. He needed help. But who to turn to? Once again, Logan pulled his knees close to him, and he wept.

Logan didn't know how long he had been sitting there. Next thing he did know, he heard sounds of the front door opening and closing. Then someone was walking into their bedroom.

"Logan?" Logan heard the voice call out. It was all too familiar a voice. But it was the last one he wanted to talk to. And yet it was Kendall who opened the bathroom door. Kendall saw the brunette on the floor. It took a second for Kendall to process what was happening. "Logan!" The blond rushed over and fell to his knees in front of him. "Logan! What happened?" The brunette's brown eyes traveled over ever so slowly to where the blade still lay. Kendall followed Logan's line of sight. The blond's eyes widened.

"L-Logan?" Kendall's voice was an octave higher, showing his surprise. He pulled at both of Logan's arms. Logan tried pulling back, but Kendall forced his arms forward. Kendall inspected both of Logan's arms, and yet found no cuts. Kendall knelt in front of Logan, still looking at his arms. "Logan, did you hurt yourself?"

"N-no. . ." Kendall didn't miss the tremble in Logan's form, as well as his voice. Kendall's heart suddenly ached. He reached forward and grasped Logan by the shoulders. Logan's gaze rose to meet his. Kendall nearly cried out. Logan's eyes were full of emotion. Kendall saw pain as well as vulnerability. And it was so deep. But what Kendall saw most was fear, Logan was afraid. And it was as if Kendall was a part of Logan, and their hearts were connected. Kendall's eyes teared and his heart began to feel Logan's pain.

"Logan. . ." Kendall could only manage a whisper now. "Why. . .?" Logan took another look at him, and broke down; his body wracked with silent sobs.

"I was so sick of it . . . all of the attention. All the scrutiny. The press, the work. It was all pressuring me, and I couldn't handle it. There was no one to turn to, and I was so afraid." Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks. "I hid all the feelings. And now. . ." Logan started to sob. Kendall pulled the younger boy into a hug. Logan buried his head into Kendall's shoulder and began to cry his heart out. Kendall just held him, pulling the brunette closer to him, and whispering words of comfort. After a while, Logan's sobs subsided. Kendall still held him close.

"Logan, why couldn't you tell me?" Kendall asked. Logan's breath caught in his throat. This was the moment of truth. He had to decide now whether to tell Kendall his feelings and possibly alienate his friend, or lie to him and be assured of his comfort. But something in him compelled him to confess.

"Kendall?" Logan's voice was also a whisper as he clutched Kendall's shirt. Kendall hugged him closer.

"It's fine Logan, you can tell me. . . Was it something I did?" Logan tried to chuckle, but failed. Still slightly shaking, he held onto Kendall, breathing in the blond's cologne, which never failed to excite the feelings Logan had for Kendall.

"It's nothing wrong with you, Kendall. . . the truth is. . . I couldn't tell you because. . . I love you Kendall." It all started to pour out of Logan now. "I've had these feelings for a while now, but I only realized after I broke up with Camille. I love you. So much that I can't think logically when it comes to you. I am mainly my brain. But you. . . you are my heart. . ." Logan then realized what he was saying, and decided to cover, lest he alienate Kendall. "I . . . I 'm not asking you to reciprocate. Just please don't leave. . . please . . ." Logan's whisper broke off at that point. His eyes clamped shut, and he sat there, trembling, preparing for the worst.

Then something happened that Logan wasn't prepared for. Kendall clenched his arms tighter around Logan and kissed him on the forehead. Logan's eyes snapped open and he looked up at Kendall, who he noted was crying.

"K- Kendall?" Logan asked. Kendall put his finger to Logan's lips, silencing him.

"Logan. . . I wish you could have come talk to me. We could have gotten through this. . . together. . ."

"Together?" Logan repeated, still whispering. His tone was questioning and cautious, and yet. . . hopeful. Kendall closed his eyes and nodded.

"Logan. . . I . . . I love you too. I've known so for a while now. I . . I waited, denying it for so long. And when you broke up with Camille . . . I knew . . . I just knew. . . That's why I went to see Jo today. To break up with her. It was hard. . . but she understood. I then came back to confront you about it. And then. . ." Kendall didn't finish. The rest was obvious. "But God Logan, if I knew, I would've confronted you earlier. Please, let me help you. I love you, Logie. . ." Logan was overwhelmed with emotion. But as he was Logan, he started to over-think things.

"You sure?" Logan asked. "Because if you are saying this just so I won't do anyth-." Logan was cut off by the feel of Kendall's lips on his own. Kendall knew that was the only way to convince Logan short of making a whole demonstration. They sat, enjoying their first kiss together. It was what both of them had wanted for a while now, and ironically, neither of them risked it to preserve the friendship. Yet here they were, both taking comfort in each other's arms. Logan felt all of his troubles ebbing away with a startling quickness. But Kendall was his protector. And Logan knew that in his arms, everything would be fine.

They pulled back. Kendall then rested his forehead against Logan's and looked him in the eyes. Kendall could still see the vulnerability there, but it was bridled with another emotion. . . trust. Logan had absolute faith in Kendall and the blond knew he wouldn't break that for anything. He made a promise to help Logan. And he was going to keep it.

"Now what?" Logan asks, feeling better after releasing all that pent up emotion.

"I don't know Logie. But everything will be okay. I promise to never let you get like that again. I love you so much." Logan began to cry again. Tears streamed down his cheek. Kendall frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. . . I just. . . never thought this would happen. . ." Kendall smiled and kissed Logan's forehead, still holding him.

"It is alright Logan. It did happen. And I'm here to stay. . ."

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**Thanks for reading! Review and tell me what you think, please!**


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